Every Retiree Needs a Collection

What are retired guys supposed to do anyway?  COLLECT STUFF!  It helps to have a theme for the retiree collection.  We've seen retired guys collect all sorts of weird stuff.  Me?  I finally decided it was gonna be golf hats.  That's not the same as baseball caps.  Heck, ANYBODY can collect baseball caps but only a chosen few can collect golf hats.  Ordinary Bubba Boyz would NEVER collect only golf hats--they would get laughed out of the Beer Belly Bar-Hardy Har, Har and wouldn't even be able to bum a burger bun.  Really, the only people who can collect golf hats are real golfers and pretend golfers.  I am a pretend golfer.  How do I know that?  Well, for one thing, I own a pretty good assortment of polyester and some golf clubs.  I even paid retail for a bag of tees.  Some of my golf balls have real high-fah-lutin' names on 'em, too.  That's how I know I'm a pretend golfer.  If I was a real golfer, I wouldn't care about collectin' no damned golf hats--I'd be too busy smackin' the daylights out of sum purty lookin' golf  ball and tippin' my caddy.  Right now, I can only afford to tip my wine cooler.  Right soon here, I'm gonna put up peek-shures of all my golf hats so we ALL enjoy them--not just Little Ol' Me.  What good would all them golf hats do sitting in some closet.  It's time they came OUT of the closet and showed theirselfs for what they are--GOLF HATS!

Now I know this question has been burning a hole in your brain: What makes a golf hat a golf hat?  Good question.  The first thing is that it has to have something to do with golf.  If it shows some thin guy swinging a golf club or some fat guy carrying a bag of clubs, it's a golf hat for certain sure.  If it shows a golf course, why there's your sign.  It might be about a golf tournament, a golf charity event or even a country club famous for its golf course.  Almost all golf hats have a distinctive shaped brim.  Ordinary Billy Bob Bubba Boy hats generally have a flat brim and the brim geometry makes the wearer look like a hick from the sticks.  Now a golf hat has a right smart curvature to it like somebody spent all day shaping it.  No golfer, even a pretend golfer would have a golf hat that didn't have a curved front brim.  There's some exceptions.  Real old duffers who drive expensive cars are allowed to wear flat brimmed golf hats but only if the hats are faux tweed.  People who wear those types of golf hats are the ones who pay all the bills so they can do whatever they want.  Well, there you have it--Golf Hats 101 for our overly par challenged readers.

Stay tuned ya'll for the debut of my Sports Illustrated Swim Shorts & Golf Hat issue--where short fat pretend golfers wear ill-fitting shorts and model goofy golf hats.